I was already using an antidepressant so medication wasn’t a hard sell for me. If I were to need insulin, I’d take that. If I needed blood pressure medication, I’d take that. So if my brain doesn’t wanna make enough serotonin on its own, yeah, I’m gonna give it what it needs. The thing about medication is that you really shouldn’t just rely on that to get better. So I’m keeping all of my doctor appointments, giving feedback on my experience and trusting her advice to make adjustments to get the right combo in place. I’m pleased to say, I think we found my magic cocktail and I’m feeling much better because of it.
Twice a month, I meet with a therapist who actually specializes in PTSD. We discuss the progress I’ve made, experiences I’m having, and areas where I’m struggling. He gives me tools to help better deal with the stresses of life and learn how to live past my trauma. I have always been kind of resistant to the idea of paying someone to listen to me talk about my problems but that’s the wrong way to approach it. I’m paying a professional for his expertise, just like people pay me for mine.
Ugh. So simple but so complex at the same time. I don’t think of myself as a dishonest person but I do have a way of spinning circumstances to make them easier to palate. It’s like I’m my own PR rep. For me, that means I often put on rose colored glasses about things that honestly just kind of suck. That includes things about myself. Do you have any idea how tough it is to identify your toxic traits and actually work on them? Maybe you do. Maybe I’m the only one who has a hard time admitting things about myself. Maybe… but I would guess not. This side of healing can be so tricky. I saw a tweet one time that said anxiety is just conspiracy theories about yourself. Finding the balance of admitting flaws while not hyperbolizing them into more lies… it’s not easy. Healing isn’t easy. But it’s so important. No… it’s a priority.
I call it “peopling.” It’s a big reason I decided to put full-time entrepreneurship on the shelf and return to employee status. I needed to people more. After my PTSD diagnosis, I started shutting people out. Between being exhausted and overwhelmed, I didn’t have anything to give to my friendships. Being in the same room as people was draining. My friends finally started calling me out about it. I let some of them know what I was dealing with but kept others in the dark. I stopped engaging in the Facebook groups I used to be highly active in. I basically couldn’t deal with socializing for more than a half hour or so without alcohol to help make it tolerable. Probably not really a healthy way to approach it all.
I’m doing a lot to get myself happy, healthy and functional. But I’m not just trying stuff just for the sake of trying stuff. I’m being very intentional in my healing. I made another decision last week that has had profound impacts on my day-to-day life. In fact, such an impact that I can’t easily cram it at the end of this post. Next time I write, I hope to share what my new secret weapon is and how it’s positively impacted my mental health journey.